


You May Falter, But I Will Not Let You Fall

by Mr_Lonely



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Coping with trauma, Cuddling, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nonverbal Jim, PTSD, Panic Attacks, no beta we die like men, snuggles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:14:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24317149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mr_Lonely/pseuds/Mr_Lonely
Summary: Jim hadn't felt panic like that in a long time.Being on the Command track in the Academy, weakness was not an option. The whole crew looks to its captain in times of crisis; the captain is expected to remain calm and focused through the whole encounter, keeping everyone safe.A captain shouldn't be breaking down in the Chief Medical Officer’s office over some stupid comm from Engineering about the alignment of the warp core.
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy, James T. Kirk & Spock, James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 10
Kudos: 289





	You May Falter, But I Will Not Let You Fall

**Author's Note:**

> i have no idea where this fits in canon so it kinda doesn't! Enjoy!

_ The Captain is heading to Engineering. Intercept him, please. _

McCoy seriously did not have the time when he heard his communicator go off. Four cadets had wounds that required immediate treatment, and he was finally bandaging the last one. Two more had superficial wounds Nurse Chapel was handling. Bones was ready to confine them all to bed rest, himself included.

He flipped open the communicator and read the message. From Spock, no less, who very nearly refused to speak to Bones outside of a professional setting or to tell him he was doing something "illogically". Honestly, he didn't care about the Vulcan bastard.

When it came to Jim, though…

So that's what led Bones to scramble to the turbo lift to find the best place to intercept Jim. Why, he had no idea, but the message Spock sent was worrying enough. If Jim'd gotten hurt and was hiding it again McCoy was going to lock the kid in MedBay, captain or not.

Kirk was actually in the hallway when Bones saw him. 

"Hey, Jim, hold on a second."

The captain froze, a telltale subtle shift in his shoulders that meant he was hiding something. Same as their days at the Academy. 

"Glad I caught you."

Jim took another second to turn around and face McCoy. The doctor narrowed his eyes. No superficial injuries, then, because Jim was terrible at hiding them. Avoiding him, the kid could've won a damn gold medal, but not hiding something point blank.

The way Jim spoke set off a red light in McCoy's brain. What he said only confirmed it.

"Leonard, was there something you needed?"

See, Jim only called him by his first name in two scenarios. When he was introducing Doctor Leonard McCoy to someone the doctor was supposed to be nice to, and when Jim was having a panic attack. 

Not specifically, really any situation that Jim had accepted he was  _ not okay,  _ but Bones looked Jim over again and noticed his colorless lips, shallow breathing, and tense jaw.  _ He's barely holding it together. _

There was no one in the hallway, so Bones grumbled a quick "come on" and set off to MedBay. Jim followed quietly two steps behind. 

Against his own instincts, Bones resisted the urge to grab Jim. Back at the Academy, the first time this'd happened, Bones had grabbed Jim's arm to try and keep from falling over because the kid was shaking so bad. Jim had flinched violently and locked himself in the bathroom all night. 

Bones had made him talk about it a few days later; he wasn't a therapist, he was a doctor, and he needed to know Jim's allergies as well as signs of an attack.

As they entered MedBay, McCoy glanced over at where Chapel had been treating the patients. Three were conked out in the biobeds, one talking quietly to Chapel. She must have sent the other two back to their cabins.

Seeing that there were, in fact, other people in MedBay, Jim stumbled to a halt just inside the door. Nurse Chapel looked up, and opened her mouth to address the captain.

"Chapel, Captain Kirk has to look over the reports on the cadets injured in engineering in my office. Once you're done with that patient, you can call your shift over."

Nurse Chapel blinked, and looked away from Jim. "I'm almost done, Doctor. The preliminary reports are already on your desk."

McCoy grunted a "thanks", grateful beyond measure for his nurse, and herded Jim into his office and closed the door. As soon as it latched, Jim let out a wheeze and sank to the floor, back to the far wall. He curled his knees to his chest and put his head down. Even from where Bones was standing, he could hear Jim's shallow breathing; poor kid was shaking like a leaf.

Bones kept his movements slow, not that Jim could see him, as he picked up a tricorder that’d been sitting on his desk. He shifted to sit down in front of Jim, about four inches away. He held it up and frowned at the reading of Jim’s heart rate.  _ Way too fast.  _

“Hey, kid, focus on me, okay?”

He didn't get a response. 

* * *

_ Jim hadn't felt panic like that in a long time. _

_ Being on the Command track in the Academy, weakness was not an option. The whole crew looks to its captain in times of crisis; the captain is expected to remain calm and focused through the whole encounter, keeping everyone safe. _

_ A captain shouldn't be breaking down in the Chief Medical Officer’s office over some stupid comm from Engineering about the alignment of the warp core.  _

_ They’d taken a bad blast too close to the reactor; who they were fighting, Kirk didn't remember at the moment.  _

_ He had kept a cool head when negotiations fell apart, and he called for a Code Red. _

_ “To your battle stations! This is a Code Red!” _

_ Even through the fight, it was easy. Block, attack, evade, attack. _

_ Hell, it was over before it was a real fight.  _

_ But then some ensign called Uhura who spun in her chair and reported, “Captain, some damage to the warp core.” _

_ He thought he’d be ready. It was almost a year since, for Christ sake. How long was he going to flinch at those two words? Kirk was out of his chair before he knew what was happening, surprised his legs even held his body up. _

_ “Thank you, Lieutenant. Spock, you have the conn.” _

_ Had he said that? How? _

_ Spock was out of his seat and approaching him. No, no, it's just like last time-- _

_ “Captain, I can go--”  _

_ Spock brushed his fingers across the back of Kirk’s hand, and abruptly flinched away, which for a Vulcan, was so subtle it was almost nonexistent. Kirk didn't notice, too focused on not falling over on his way to the turbo lift. _

_ “You have the conn.” _

_ Fuck, he was falling apart and he was back in that chamber, the turbo lift was too small, he was going to die again and there was no one there, Spock was back on the bridge and-- _

_ “Hey, Jim, hold on a second.” _

* * *

“Jim, I need you to breathe. Listen to me, okay? You're safe, you're alive, you're on the Enterprise and she's out of danger. Now, breathe.”

Bones would never own up to the gentleness in his voice when Kirk got like this. Jim had never commented on it, even though it seemed a perfect opportunity for relentless teasing. 

Jim inhaled a wet breath and coughed it back out. 

“Good, again.”

Bones talked him through breathing for the next hour before Jim was calm enough to raise his head. 

His eyes were bloodshot from crying, face still pale but getting some color back. Jim rubbed at his face, and let out another slow breath. 

He opened his mouth, but Bones spoke first.

“You better not be about to apologize.”

Jim closed his mouth.

Bones grunted as he stood. “Thought so. I'm going to get you some water, then we can try and get you back to your room. I'll be right outside this door, okay?”

He waited for Jim to nod before leaving. The worst thing to do right now would be to leave him alone, but the kid was drained and dehydrated. Bones thought about synthesizing a hypo with electrolytes, but decided against it; Jim hated needles on a good day. 

Bones got a cup of water and a chocolate bar from the replicator because what the hell. He glanced around again but Chapel was gone, and the three patients were fast asleep, judging by their vitals. 

Jim had his head down on his knees again, but looked up when Bones came back. He took the water, and drank half of it before putting it down again. Then he took a deep breath and stood. His legs shook from staying still so long, but Bones was close enough in case Jim’s legs decided to give out on him.

“Ready to go?”

Jim just gave a tired nod. 

* * *

Spock went back to his quarters when the ship was safely docked in a smaller base that had been four hours away. Having designated teams for the necessary repairs, he relieved the alpha shift but himself stayed on for some time. Doctor McCoy had sent him a message that simply said: “I got him. He's fine.” 

Spock found the vague report unsatisfactory. 

When he’d touched Jim’s hand on the bridge… it was sheer reaction, no thought.  _ Warp core alignment, Jim was leaving, no not again-- _

That was perhaps the least troubling part of what had transpired. Touch was not something to be taken lightly as a Vulcan, as skin on skin contact led to an emotional transference. 

Spock had felt such  _ terror _ , raw and illogical, pouring off of the captain that he’d flinched back, a break in his mental discipline. And Kirk had gone, voice neutral and lifeless, into the turbolift.

As much as Spock would have preferred to leave the conn to Sulu, he could not abandon the bridge when the situation was still delicate. Taking the captain’s chair, Spock made brief eye contact with Uhura. She looked incredibly worried. 

Spock wrote a short message to Doctor McCoy, and set about the task of making sure the ship was safe and out of danger. 

Once that was accomplished came the task of making sure his captain was safe and out of danger. It was not that Spock mistrusted McCoy, but the doctor hadn't been at the radiation chamber.

He hadn't seen Kirk die. He’d seen him already dead. And he had done something about it. 

_ Doctor McCoy hadn't been helpless on the other side of reinforced glass.  _

Spock shook himself out of his thoughts. They were unproductive. He would be of no help to the captain if he could not gather himself. 

He went to his quarters, pointedly ignoring the joint bathroom that led to Jim’s room, and prepared to meditate. Not as long as his typical nightly ritual, but long enough to sort through his emotions and find a stable sense of clarity in logic. 

Satisfied with his mental facilities, Spock crossed the shared bathroom and knocked on the door. There was no response. It was illogical for Jim to be anywhere but his quarters, unless he was with Doctor McCoy still. 

Spock knocked again, and spoke. “Captain, I would like to inquire as to your health.”

There was movement from the other side of the door, then silence. Spock was not deterred.

“I would like to apologize for my reaction to your distress on the bridge. The ship is out of danger and repairs are already underway.”

He felt like he had said something wrong, but it was a feeling and unfounded on anything. Even dying or injured, Jim always asked about the ship. If he was correct, then Doctor McCoy had withheld this information.

Spock took a step closer to the door, and placed a hand against it. “It is my job as First Officer to look after the Captain.” He paused, then said, quieter. “Let me help.”

A moment passed, then another one. Then the door opened. 

Jim’s eyes were tired. The way he held himself in the bathroom light, as his quarters were almost completely dark, was nothing like the charismatic captain that the crew admired and trusted. Nor was it the playful, incredibly intelligent man Spock had gotten to know through debates on just about anything and countless games of chess. Spock had never seen this James Kirk before, but that did not deter him. He was a fast learner.

“Doctor McCoy gave me a vague report of your condition, I wished to assess you myself.”

Jim pressed his lips together, and pulled his arms tighter around himself, but did not say anything. Spock lifted an eyebrow. 

“How… are you, Captain?”

Jim shrugged, but it was more of a rehearsed action than a response. James Kirk was not a man to be quiet, even when it would have saved him some injuries. He was always teasing Doctor McCoy, or Spock himself, or talking with a crewman. There were jokes and theories and the seeds of a debate every waking moment that Spock was around his captain.

Of course, after Khan, there had been some moments when Jim got… quiet. As though he’d forgotten he could speak. Very well, Spock had offered his assistance unconditionally. 

“If you desire company, I can be a listening ear. However, if you wish to be alone, I shall return to my own quarters.”

Jim looked at him for a moment before stepping aside to let Spock into his quarters. His arms were still solidly wrapped around his chest, which confused Spock. The room was not cold for humans, although Jim did keep his rooms a touch cooler than most. The captain was wearing a simple shirt and pants, lounge wear, and barefoot. 

“Are you cold, Captain?”

Jim shook his head, and did not close the bathroom door before sitting down on the edge of his bed. Spock gingerly sat down beside him; enough room separating them to be polite, but not too much distance that would make it seem as though Spock was reluctant to keep his word.

"I wrote in my preliminary report that you were indisposed in Medical at Doctor McCoy's behest. I'm sure the doctor will corroborate the story."

Jim looked over at him, and Spock practically heard the captain joke smugly “ _ Lying on a report, Mister Spock? How very human of you. What’s next, piracy?” _

The following silence was… jarring, for lack of a better Standard word. It might have been awkward, if Spock was capable of feeling that emotion.

_ I am in control of my emotions. _

“Jim…” 

The sight of his friend in so much distress was nevertheless uncomfortable. 

“Let me help.”

The captain looked at him for a long moment, then held up his hand in a ta’al. Spock held his up as well, softly closing the space between them. Jim let out a brief, shuddering inhale as their palms connected. Then it was like something had clicked, because Jim finally stopped feeling afraid. Jim interlocked their fingers, and Spock did not pull away. He set up a tentative mental shield for his own benefit, to stop the excess of Jim’s emotions from triggering his own; but he did not cut the connection off. He sent a subtle wave of assurance, not nearly as powerful as it would have been with a mind meld, but it seemed to work. Jim’s tense shoulders dropped and he looked at Spock again before laying his head gently on Spock’s shoulder. 

Trust was such a… fascinating thing. In retrospect, he and the captain had been friends for such a short time, and not the kind of friendship the captain had with Doctor McCoy; Spock had almost killed Kirk, then stranded him, then “threw him under a bus” and still this human let down his guard enough to trust the Vulcan as though they’d known each other their whole lives.

Perhaps this is why Ambassador Spock spoke of his captain with that… unique fondness. 

This was a less than ideal position to provide Kirk with physical comfort, so Spock shifted them until he was laying down, hands still liked. Jim shifted with him, and his brows furrowed for a moment. The “fuck it” was evident in the captain’s face as it had ever been. Spock spared a moment to wonder how he had gotten so fluent in reading Jim’s face. It certainly was not this easy with other humans. 

James Kirk made… just  _ being  _ so easy. 

He settled, half on Spock and half wedged between the Vulcan’s arm and his torso. It squished their hands, but Spock predicted it would take approximately ten minutes before he began to lose sensation in his hand, so it was alright for now. He focused on taking deep breaths, a touch faster than he was used to, but ideal for humans. Jim mimicked him, perhaps by reflex. 

Spock trailed his hand down Jim’s free arm to make his intent clear, and maneuvered Jim’s hand to rest on Spock’s side, right above the Vulcan’s heart. Jim let out a soft breath against Spock’s neck, and inch by inch, began to relax. The input from Jim’s mind began to slow, bleeding out sluggishly, but not still wary. The Vulcan was running out of physical actions he knew comforted humans, until he remembered something Michael had done for him. 

He removed his hand from where it had been over his heart, and experimentally ran his fingers through Jim’s hair. The effect was immediate, a relaxing of the remaining tension in the captain’s frame. There was a brief wave of self-consciousness that Spock gently combatted. 

_ Let me help.  _

__ Jim finally fell asleep twelve minutes later, and Spock dislodged his crushed hand slowly as not to wake him. He remained still, unexpectedly enjoying the warmth from another body; Vulcans did have a lower body temperature than humans. But there was also the feeling of Jim’s hand against his heart, Spock’s fingers in Jim’s hair, the soft breaths against his neck.

Now that his captain, and friend, was out of danger, Spock closed his eyes and allowed himself to rest. 


End file.
